Lies Women Believe Week 5
This week, we are talking about Lies We Believe About Kids and Emotions. If you missed last week, we talked about Lies We Believe About Marriage. This series is based on the book “Lies Women Believe” if you’d like to do a deeper study on the topic.
For women, lies about children can be some of the hardest pulls on our heartstrings and create a huge opportunity for deception. The mother/child relationship is the most sensitive and tender of human relationships. These particular lies are places you have to seek God’s Word outside of societal norms to get clear insight on.
1. “I have the right to control my reproductive choices.”
The Truth is that God chooses ultimately when to open and close the womb. This can include birth control, infertility, abortion, and so much more. There is nothing that says we HAVE to be in control. We CAN trust God with our entire lives, including our reproduction. I personally have experience working through this lie as we walked through fertility treatments. It was a process of seeking God’s will for our lives, even if that meant being childless. Ultimately, there was nothing that any doctor could do to guarantee to give me children. I had to trust God’s plan.
Along those same lines, just because our church doesn’t teach against birth control, etc. that doesn’t mean there aren’t people who feel a conviction toward that (the Catholic church). By realizing it’s everyone’s duty to trust God with their reproduction, you can more easily see why some have the positions they do and act in a Christ-centered way. It also doesn’t mean you are wrong for making the choice to undergo fertility treatments, or be on birth control. But, we can trust God with our reproduction.
2. “We can’t afford (more) children/we aren’t ready for kids.”
It costs $250,000 +/- to raise a baby from cradle to high school graduation. That’s a lot of money and some people feel an urge to plan everything perfectly before having children.
“Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse nor barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls?” - Luke 12:24
There are a million reasons why children may or may not make sense. Some of them have to do with planning, some of them have to do with personal ambitions or sacrifices. But the Bible is clear that children are a blessing.
Imagine if Mary were in today’s culture and the angel came to her. What would her response been like? I’m too young, I’m not ready. I don’t want to be tied down with a baby. I want to get settled into being a newlywed first. But her response in Luke 1:38 is my goal – “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be done to me according to your word.” Holy confidence and trust.
Raising children is not easy. Being childless is not easy. Anyone who tells you differently, isn’t telling the truth. Take your position as a mother or woman to God and gain a holy confidence and trust in Him.
3. “I can’t/can control the way my children turn out.”
This lie causes women to feel either a weight that only God can carry for how their children turn out (extreme control) or a totally hands off, why-even-try approach. Both approaches are dangerous. Each lie leads to hopelessness. Which we know, is not of God.
The truth is there are godly parents who have ungodly children and ungodly parents who have godly children. Lot was a “righteous man” but had an appetite for the ungodly. 2 Peter 2:8 says of Lot he was “tormented in his righteous soul by the lawless deeds he saw and heard.” But, Lot’s wife had a hard time leaving and his daughters married men who disdained Lot’s spiritual beliefs. (Gen 19:17)
While we can’t determine our children’s ultimate destiny, we can shape their character: are we giving our kids unrestricted access to cell phones/internet, are we allowing them to talk disrespectfully, to form close, character-shaping friendships with kids who don’t share their Christian values, to be entertained by music and movies that tear down the things you are trying to build up.
Let’s teach our kids to build proverbial Christian muscles so they have the strength it takes as the temptations get larger.
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” - Romans 12:2
4. “My children are my number 1 priority.”
This is a two-sided lie. On one hand, women are told to put off having kids, have a career, or even have a childfree lifestyle. On the other hand, it’s critical to feed them the best, get them in all of the right classes, programs, sports, etc. and make sure their fragile feelings are never hurt or told “no”. No wonder we are confused!
“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” - Matthew 10:37
We must engage our children in a Kingdom-centered world where the world doesn’t revolve around your kids or yourself but your purpose and role in His Kingdom and creation. This isn’t to say everything revolves around the church of course. But what are your actions saying?
When you take your son to church instead of football practice, knowing full well that consequently he might have to sit out the next game.
When you require your children to sit at the table and visit with guests instead of slipping away to play video games.
When you encourage your kids to set aside some of their weekly allowance for a tithe or offering to the church.
When your kids know there are times that you are not to be interrupted for wants, only needs because you are working/studying the Word/in service, etc.
When you recruit your kids to help serve at the church or buy gifts for families in need.
If we aren’t careful, we can get so busy doing for our kids, that we miss raising and loving our kids. (I can always tell when I’ve been too busy – my kids act out to get my attention).
5. “I’m not/she’s not a good mother.”
Mom wars between working and SAHMs have been around since moms started working. Natural childbirth versus epidurals. Vaccinations versus anti-vaccinations, attachment parenting vs cry it out, breast fed vs bottle fed, homeschooled vs private vs public school, organic vs processed, and the list goes on and on.
We either worry we aren’t measuring up or we become so confident in our “right” choice that we judge others around us for not choosing what we choose. The truth is, almost every mother wants to be a good mother. All mothers secretly or not-so-secretly wonder, “Am I doing the right thing?” “Are my choices going to impact my children negatively”
When we forget to plan for dinner and get drive through yet again, we say “How can I even consider myself a good mom?” or we have a 3-course meal and we are tempted to post on social media how perfect our life is (for today at least).
Can I tell you that drive through versus homemade meals aren’t going to solidify you as a good or bad mom? Some choices are better than others but I promise there are wretched moms who cook the perfect meals and wonderful moms who can’t boil water.
So what should we do?
Romans 14 tells us: “don’t argue about disputed matters. One person believes he may eat anything, while one who is weak eats only vegetables. One who eats must not look down on one who does not eat, and one who does not eat must not judge one who does, because God has accepted him. Who are you to judge anoterh’s household servant? Before his own Lord he stands or falls. And he will stand, because the Lord is able to make him stand…. But you, why do you judget your brother or sister? Or you, why do you despise your brother or sister? For we will all stand before the judgement seat of God… Each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore, let us no longer judge one another.”
This isn’t a matter or sin or safety. This is mommy wars kind of stuff! Our calling, our high calling, is to learn to give an account for ourselves. Focus on the things we can control. Be a part of the solution. Not the problem.
“For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Let each person examine his own work, and then he can take pride in himself alone and no compare himself with someone else.” Galations 6:3-4
“The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” - James 3:17-18
LIES ABOUT EMOTIONS
We all wrestle with emotions and when they feel unpredictable or out of control, we wrongly believe they must be sinful. We are created in the image of God and He himself experienced joy, delight, anger, jealousy, and sorrow. We were created to be emotional!
There’s a funny quote, “If you don’t like my personality, stick around, another one will show up soon.”
“If I feel something, it must be true.”
If we feel unloved, it must be true. If we feel we can’t cope with the pressure, we can’t make it. If we feel God has deserted us or acted unjustly, then it must be true. If it feels hopeless, there must not be hope. If we don’t feel saved, then may we aren’t. If we don’t feel forgiven, then we must not be.
The truth is, due to our fallen nature, our feelings have very little to do with our reality. For many of us, a compliment, a raise at work, or losing 5 pounds boosts our mood. Conversely, a time of month, a sleepless night or a screaming baby can totally derail us. And then add in “big” life things like the loss of a job or loved one, a move, or a unexpected diagnosis and our emotions are off the charts.
Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it”
If we walk in the Freedom of the Gospel, we MUST be willing to reject any feelings that are not consistent with the Truth of God’s Word. Even on the roller coaster ride of emotions we can bring our minds to the truth:
God is good, whether we feel like He is good or not (Psalm 136:1)
God loves us, whether we feel love or not. (Jer 31:3; John 3:16)
Through faith in the shed blood of Jesus, we are forgiven, wether we feel forgiven or not. (Gal 2:16)
God will never leave us nor forsake us; He is with us all the time, even when we feel alone and forsaken. (Deut 31:6)
Paul gives us a prescription for preserving mental sanity and emotional stability in the midst of changing emotions:
“Rejoice in the Lord always, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God… whatever is true… think about such things. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:4,6-8
2. “I can’t control my emotions.”
There is truth to the fact that we can’t help how we feel but we can control what we do with those feelings. Another lie that feeds this one is that Christians should never feel sad, lonely discouraged, or angry – that if we’re really spiritual, we will be happy all the time.
Our emotions can act as a warning light in a car and alert us that something needs attention but it doesn’t mean it’s sinful or a bad thing.
Eph 4:26 “Be angry and sin not”
Isaiah 26:3 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on your, because he trusts in you.”
Instead of trying to escape our negative emotions, we have the God-given option to trade them in for perfect peace.
3. “I can’t help how I respond when my hormones are out of whack.”
If we are looking for an excuse to behave badly, we will always find one. The truth is though if we give in to our emotions, we will only be further controlled by our emotions. (bad mood, lay in bed, want ice cream, feel bad that we’ve gained weight, makes us in a worse mood, etc.)
What happens in our bodies affects us emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. We cannot isolate the various dimensions of who we are as women. But we fall into a trap when we justify sintful attitudes and responses based on our physical condition and hormonal changes.
· “And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
I think this point hits home when I realize that I expect my doctors, cashier, waitresses, etc. to control their emotions regardless of their time of the month/emotions, but I want a free pass.
4. “I can’t bear being depressed.”
Depression is very real and painful. Depression affects twice as many women as men and in any form – whether mild or severe – it is life-altering. Other lies that go along with this one include:
Only unspiritual people get depressed.
Depression is always rooted in sin.
Depression is never rooted in sin
Depression is purely a physiological issue.
Depression is purely a spiritual issue.
The answer to depression must always/never be medication or therapy.
There’s no real hope for those who are depressed.
Any Christian who really wants to can be healed from his/her depression.
At some level, illness, pain and depression are an unavoidable consequence of living in a fallen world. Depression can also be caused or exacerbated by our own sins or sinful responses to hurtful circumstances or offenses – ingratitude, bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, claiming of rights, anger and self-centeredness. If these issues are not addressed, the consequences will inevitably show up in our bodies and souls, creating very real physical and emotional problems.
Properly administered medications may help a depressed person get stabilized enough to think clearly, providing a window of opportunity to begin dealing with non-physiological issues that have contributed to the problem. But no prescription can “cure” the deeper issues of the spirit and inner heart.
“Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”Phillipians 4:4-7
There are examples of depression in the Bible:
King Ahab became depressed because he didn’t get what he wanted
Jonah became depressed and suicidal when he resisted and resented God’s choices.
Hannah was overcome with depression when she had to deal with unfulfilled desires and a strained relationship over a long period of time.
David because physically and emotionally anguished when he refused to confess his sin in the matter of Bathsheba and Uriah.
In the last chapter of James we see encouragement and practical help for those who have been laid low by depression and feel powerless to press on:
“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. If anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. Any the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgive. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:13-16
Two different Greek words are translated “sick”. The first in verse 14 is a word that means “to be weak, feeble, to be without strength, powerless.” The second in verse 15, means “to be wearied, sick or faint”. We should take our needs to the Lord.
We should also realize the importance of the body of Christ:
· “Comfort the discouraged, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” 1 Thess 5:14
You cannot “fix” someone else’s depression but you can offer comfort, help, and patience. You can listen without judging. You can check in occasionally to counter the depressed person’s tendency toward isolation. Even when lashed out at, extend longsuffering and patience, seasoned with gentleness and grace.
The goal of the Christian life isn’t to feel good all the time. It’s to make it to heaven and to take as many with us as we can!