Lies Women Believe Week 4
This week, we are talking about Lies We Believe About Marriage. If you missed last week, we talked about Lies We Believe About Sin and Priorities. This series is based on the book “Lies Women Believe” if you’d like to do a deeper study on the topic.
Marriage was designed by God to reflect the Gospel and the story of redemption. What took place in the Garden of Eden was an attack on the important picture. Satan lied to Eve about God, about His character and His Word, and about sin and its consequences.
Eve believed and acted on his lie, then turned to her husband and drew him into sin with her. In their relationship with God and with each other:
Shame replaced freedom
Pretense and hiding replaced transparency and fellowship
The oneness they had experienced now turned to enmity and animosity
Their sin effected not only their relationship with God but also with one another.
Since the fall, we see that when our vertical relationship (relationship with God) is damaged, my horizontal relationships will follow suit.
Let’s explore some of the lies we believe about marriage:
“I have to have a husband to be happy.”
Marriage is a good gift. It is God’s plan for many people, and it ought to be a source of great joy and blessing. But Satan twists the truth about marriage by suggesting to women that marriage is their sole ticket to personal happiness and fulfillment and that they can’t be truly happy without a husband to love them and meet their needs. This sets women up for discontentment and even failure within their marriage if they do marry.
The Truth is that being married (or not married) does not guarantee happiness.
“Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” - James 1:16-17
When you make it a man’s responsibility to make you happy it will never work. It will put you both in a cycle of unrealistic expectations. In this fallen world, no one, married or single, is exempt from sorrows and disappointments. There is no person who can meet my deepest needs. No one and nothing can make me truly happy apart from God. Nothing and no one can fill the void in your life besides God.
“My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Psalms 62:5
“It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes.” - Psalms 118:8-9
All men will let you down at some point (just as we will let them down as well). That doesn’t make them all good for nothing! It is just a realistic human fact. God has promised to provide everything I need. If He will receive more glory by my being married, then He will provide a husband for me.
“A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.” - Proverbs 16:9
In I Corinthians 7:25-38, Paul talks about being single vs. married. The highest and ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but to glorify God. God’s ultimate goal is our eternal salvation, not our happiness. Those who wait on the Lord always get His best. Those who insist on getting what they want often end up with heartache.
“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” - Psalms 37:4
“And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.” Psalms 106:15
2. “It’s my job to change my mate.”
Many of us women are born “fixers”. If something is wrong, we’ve got to fix it! What a surprise to our husbands when shortly after marriage they start hearing about all the things they need to fix! When you were dating they felt you believed in them and they were wonderful! In reality, we cannot do anything about someone else’s failures and need to focus on our own, which we can do something about. Oftentimes if your spouse sees you taking responsibility and working on your own shortcomings they will do that as well.
The Truth is, It is not your responsibility to change your spouse, it is God’s responsibility. Does that mean that when we see sin or blind spots in our mate’s life we are to say and do nothing? Not at all. Your husband needs your timely, respectful, kind input (as you need his). But when we are obsessive with trying to change or correct our husband we are likely to end up frustrated and he will become resistant, defensive, and resentful.
A godly life and prayer are a wife’s two greatest means of influencing her husband’s life.
“Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” - James 5:16
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation (behavior) of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. …… Vs 4 – a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” - I Peter 3:1-4
Your godly life and prayers do not guarantee that your husband will turn to the Lord or that he will repent of sinful choices and habits. But as you pray and trust the Lord for your marriage, something will change:
You will grow stronger and wiser.
Your example may influence others.
You will have a supernatural peace
3. “My husband is supposed to serve me.”
Modern feminism has pushed women out of the God-given role they were meant to fill. When men and women step outside of our God-given roles things begin to get messy. This does not mean that responsibilities within a home should not be shared. It also does not mean that women are “less than” men.
The truth is that in marriage, a wife has a distinctive calling to be a “helper” – an “indispensable partner” – to her husband.
“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Genesis 2:18
God created Eve to be a helper suited to Adam. The Hebrew phrase literally means “a helper matching him”. This might be taken to mean that the help the woman provides is all about making the man’s life easier. She picks up his socks so he doesn’t have to bother. She cooks his dinner and washes his clothes so he is free to do other things. etc.
This idea is not indicated by the text.
The word used for helper in this passage is ezer. An ezer is so much more than someone who folds laundry and brews the coffee. Rather, it suggests someone who is an “indispensable partner”. It means “support” in the broadest sense possible. The word ezer is most often used in reference to the Lord’s relationship to us.
“Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield.” - Psalms 33:20
In every season of life, whether married, single, or widowed, with or without children, we uniquely bear the image of God by offering indispensable help to others. The idea that woman exists to make man’s life easier by being his personal cook and maid simply isn’t supported by Scripture.
The Bible does teach that God created women with a distinct responsibility regarding the home. In Timothy it encourages us to “manage our households”. In Proverbs it cast a negative light on those women whose hearts are inclined away from the home. The Bible also lists older women teaching the younger women about managing their homes as important (Titus)
Like we discussed last week and on Mother’s Day, this does not imply that husbands and other members of the household cannot or should not contribute to caring for the home. But it does indicate that God wired women to be connected to home and relationships in a way men are not. (Just as the Lord wired men to be connected to work, financial provision, and protection in a way women are not.) The wires do criss-cross at times.
Our calling, whatever it is, should be knit togethers with our husband’s so that as one we serve and glorify Christ. This “helper” role looks a little different in everyone’s relationships. If I expect to be served, I will often be disappointed. If I seek to serve others without expecting anything in return, I will never be disappointed.
“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food form afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is know in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.” - Proverbs 31:10-31
We are never more like Jesus than when we are serving others.
“And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” - Mark 10:44, 45
Our responsibility, before God, is to emulate Jesus and joyfully be a servant.
4. “If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable.”
The concept of submission, particularly in marriage, does not go over well in our day. This struggle is not new. It was, in fact, the essence of the issue Eve faced in the Garden of Eden. At the heart of the Serpent’s approach to Eve was this challenge: Does God have the right to rule over you? You can run your own life; you don’t have to submit to anyone else’s authority.
The Serpent convinced Eve that if she submitted to God’s direction, she would be miserable and would miss out on something good or necessary. At the core of fallen humanity is a problem with authority.
Here are a few basic misconceptions about what is actually meant or implied by submission:
The wife is inferior to her husband - scripture affirms that both man and woman are created in the image of God, both have equal value before God.
The principle of submission gives husbands the right to be harsh or dictorial with their wives - scripture commands husbands to love their wives as they love themselves, in the same selfless, sacrificing, serving way that the Lord Jesus loves the church and laid down His life for her.
A submissive wife can’t provide input or express her opinions to her husband - husbands need their wife’s help. She can offer wisdom and insight to various situations that he doesn’t see. At the end of the day, she must be willing to back off, and accept her husband’s decision (assuming it does not require her to sin), and trust God.
The husband is always right. I Peter 3:1-2 tells us the most effective means of influencing such a husband is not through tearful pleading, irresistible logic, or persistent reminders, but through the power of a submissive and holy life.
The truth is, through submission, a wife has the privilege of painting a picture of the church’s submission to Christ.
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” Ephesians 5:21-25
How sweet it is to be cherished by a husband that will love his wife as Christ loves the church (forgive, provide, longsuffering, etc.). Through submission, a wife entrusts herself to the One who has ultimate control of her husband and of her situation and is always looking out for her best interests.
“The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it withersoever he will.” - Proverbs 21:1
When we choose to entrust ourselves and submit as the scripture says, we are choosing to not only obey the Word but it makes way for God to move in our lives and in our marriages. A wife’s respectful, submissive spirit can be a powerful means of influencing a husband who is disobedient to God.
5. “If my husband is passive, I’ve got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done.”
Once again, this is not a new struggle. It all goes back to the Garden of Eden. The couple is together in the garden. The Serpent approaches them, ignores the man, and strikes up a conversation with the woman. “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” At this point, notice what the woman does not do. She does not acknowledge her husband. She does not say to the Serpent, “I’d like for you to meet my husband.” She does not turn to her husband and ask, “Honey, how do you thing we should respond?” She carries on the entire conversation with the Serpent as if her husband weren’t there. She simply acts. And what is Adam doing the whole time? NOTHING! He doesn’t get involved—except to eat some fruit himself when his wife gives it to him. And so we have the first role reversal.
God created the man first and gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care. The woman, created for the man, was made to be a receiver, to respond to the initiative of her husband. This reversal of roles became the pattern for the way fallen men and women often relate to each other. We want our men to lead—to take action—and we can become resentful when they fail to do so.
Could it be that to some extent we may have demotivated the men around us by our quickness to take the reins rather that giving space and time for the Lord to move them to action. My husband tends to do life at a more measured pace than I do. I am learning the value of being “quick to hear” and “slow to speak” in our relationship.
When our husband does take action give them encouragement and affirmation. Don’t tell them how they should have done it differently. More often than not, if the woman is going to take charge, the man is going to stand by and let her. We can’t insist on running the show and then expect men to be proactive, take initiative, and be “spiritual leaders”.
The hard truth is that If a woman jumps in to take the reins, rather than waiting on God to move her husband, her husband is likely to be less motivated to fulfill his God-given responsibility.
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” - Psalm 27:14
When feeling agitated about the behavior or lack of initiative, it’s not easy to sit on your hands and bite your tongue when you see that something needs doing. Don’t fret—trust in the Lord—who is always trustworthy. Be still, wait patiently for God to act.
6. “There’s no hope for my marriage.”
Marriage is wonderful. And marriage is a lot of work! Every married couple is “incompatible” (vastly different, inclined to look out for themselves). Every married couple is going to be insensitive, hurt each other, miscommunicate, not communicate, misunderstand, fail to meet each other’s needs, etc.
The enemy seeks to exploit the fact that there is not pain-free marriage. If he can divide a marriage he succeeds in tarnishing the earthly picture of divine redemption. It starts subtly with partial truths mixed with partial deception, with thoughts that seem to be true and emotions that feel true.
When your husband forgets the two-year anniversary of the day you first met - he’s always inconsiderate.
He shows up an hour late for a date and forgets to call - he doesn’t care that he hurt me. He’ll never be any different
He agrees for the two of you to work in the preschool department at church without talking with you first - _________ (some other man) is so much more thoughtful and considerate; he doesn’t treat his wife that way.
He tells his parents you’ll be there for Christmas when you were hoping to spend Christmas with your parents - I’d be happier married to ______________.
Or he commits any one of a thousand other offences
“Sometimes two people just can’t make a marriage work—apparently, we weren’t meant for each other.”
“I’d be better off getting a divorce than staying in this miserable marriage.”
It doesn’t happen all at once, but small offenses begin to build up into bigger issues and one may be found thinking, “I have a right to be happy. I deserve someone while will love and cherish me.”
Humanly speaking, that response is understandable. No doubt a ton of hurts have piled up in the heart of a woman who has come to this point. She feels hopeless and has lost the will to continue working toward the restoration of her marriage. But she is also deceived.
How does she access Truth?
Prayer & searching the Word.
Asking herself some careful questions: Have I come to believe that the problems in my marriage are totally (or mostly) my husband’s fault? Am I being honest and humble about how my responses or spirit could have contributed to the breach in our relationship? Do I see myself as a sinner, as much in need of God’s grace as my husband is? Does my focus revolve mostly around myself—my happiness and my hurts? Am I more interested in getting our problems solved and my needs met than in the process of restoration and sanctification—in my life, my husband’s life, and our marriage? Have I left God out of the picture? Do I believe that God is able to transform this mess into something of beauty and worth, as a testimony of His power? In wanting out of this marriage, am I elevating my personal happiness above what God has to say about the permanence of marriage vows and the seriousness of breaking those vows?
The truth is marriage is a lifelong covenant that is intended to reflect the covenant-keeping heart of God.
“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and femail. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. …And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.” - Mark 10:6-12
There is no marriage God cannot heal. There is not person God cannot change.
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”” - Matthew 18: 21-22
The ultimate purpose of marriage is to glorify God and reflect His redeeming, covenant love. As Christ’s suffering was the means by which we were healed, so is your faithfulness and willingness to extend sacrificial love to your mate may be the means of his restoration. God uses the rough edges of each partner in a marriage to conform the other to the image of Christ.
“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that is should be holy and without blemish.” - Ephesians 5:24-27
Our mate’s weaknesses can become a tool in God’s hand to help conform us to the image of Christ. God’s grace is sufficient to enable a woman to be faithful to her husband and to persevere in extending Christlike love and forgiveness.
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
True love—God’s love—is unconditional and never fails. The enemy does his best to make a mess out of marriage. But Christ came to bring hope, to give beauty for ashes and to reconcile all things to Himself.